Muhammad Was A Paedophile

While we thought calling Pat Kenny a "fat cat" on RTE was explosive last Monday night, Italian politician Daniela Santanchè told it as she sees it: "Muhammad had nine wives, the last was a 9-years-old child. Muhammad was a polygamous and a paedophile" [08.11.2009]

[via]

America Will Be Nuked Today

Well what do you think of that video, ladies and gentlemen? The bomb will go off today, according to the prophets... well one said Obama would be assassinated and Mckenna's Time Wave Zero just predicted something would happen (tis' a bit vague really).

I've known of the Time Wave Zero thing for years. It predicts the end of "novelty" in 2012, independent of the Mayan calender, which does not necessarily mean the end of the world, just the end of history as we know it. The exact date for this October dip is the 26th, so close enough I guess. Looking at the correlation of events and trends within the wave however, like in the below video, one those feel that you could nearly shape it to fit any event.



I read a theory once about how time is shaped like a Helix, which outlined how time is recursive, like a fractal. This is the same as what McKenna found with Time Wave Zero. Again both ideas were formed independently. Just said I'd throw that in for the crack.

See, here's my theory. Even if you could predict the future, that shit changes things! It's like all that quantum funk that won't allow you to measure sub atomic events because it changes things when you do.

That said, we can all predict the future, we do it nearly every day. Get a friend to throw a ball at you. You and your body "predicts" where the ball will be in a few moments and adjusts to catch it. And the strange thing is, it's a historical fact that Nostradamus was shit at sports... makes you think doesn't it.

[videos via Ristorante Mystica]

Flies & Shit

So there was God, creating eyeballs, chuckling to himself "oh in a few years this will be the one that really stumps those Atheists (which I will invent later when I'm feeling a bit full of myself)". If eyeballs are so fucking great, explain what shit was God smoking when he started inventing flies and other insects. Was he just feeling a bit creative or something? How did he explain that one to the flies: "No trust me darling, you don't want any of that stereo eyeball vision nonsense.... no no, "sequin-vision" is the shit for you this winter... like I totally only invented eyeballs to stump future Atheists... honest, girlfriend!" Imagine if God was a gay fashion designer... the fucking world we'd have!

Anyway, I was just free-styling that shit right there, sorry, what I actually wanted to say was... Apparently those crazy Atheists, sorry "scientists", have managed to flash the brains of flies with false memories, the same as if you were flashing old EPROM microchips or something... and they did it using a "laser". So lasers can create memories and beer can remove them... Fuck depression, this world is awesome!

[New Scientist Article : via WOW]

Some People Just Don't "Get" Magic.

Some people just don't get magic. I mean, the vitriol thrown at Derren Brown is amazing when you think of it. And yet not, when you take into account of the amount of interest his "lotto" stunt generated. Interest will always go both ways, but it still boggles me as to why people call him a "fake". He's a magician, an illusionist, a whatever-you-want-to-call-him man, of course he's a "fake"! Christ, he gets paid to deceive you (a great slogan for anti-Christian groups, right there). Just because he includes topics of psychology in his shows doesn't make him a man you should get on the chez-long [sic] with and tell him about why you keep dreaming of having sex with shoes covered in jam.

Sometimes deception isn't nice (like when your girlfriend tells you she must have gotten anal warts from contaminated toilet paper) and then there's good entertaining deception. That's what he's all about. Fucking around with your head so you don't know whats real and what isn't. "Uh it can't be video effects coz he sez he doesn't use them" but he's a magnificent magician, festive con-man, a cunning linguist (Ha! see you thought joke is funny because it sounds like someone who licks vagina, but it's actually funny because Derren Brown is gay! But I guess that doesn't automatically mean he doesnt practice muff-diving either. Ok, it's funny because it doesn't make sense in the paragraph <--- see, misdirection) Anyway were the fuck was I? Getting my balls mixed up again....

Right so, just because he said he doesn't do something doesn't mean he doesn't. Slight of hand here, slight of micky there, its all good! Not knowing whats real and what isn't is what makes it fun. Look at why people drink or do other drugs: theres a great want to be fucked up all over the place, seeing the truth but seeing it's vastness, reality becomes even more baffling... hyper-realities coming out your hole... you know, all that good stuff! But better still, look at blogging. The best blogs are the ones where you don't know if I'm... sorry I mean, they :) are joking or not. It's like saying children are great, but sometimes there's such a thing as being too tight. That's the kind of stuff I live for and that's why I like comedians like Jerry Sadowitz so much. Of course if it ever turned out that Sadowitz really did desecrate the dead body of Jill Dando with his penis, well then I guess the joke kinda dies a quick death... funnily enough, a bit like Jill Dando herself.

So yeah, I can definitely see why Sadowitz loves this guy (well not literally... although you never know). You can see why he pushed so hard for Channel 5 to give Brown a break in TV. I think that right there shows up the other "un-credited" side of Sadowitz which is again why I like him. Underpinning all his "filth" and crass shenanigans is a fairness and decency which some people fail to ever spot. They only ever witness the dichotomy in mono. Anyway, enough of the love-in with Sadowitz and Brown... fuck, throw in Jill Dando and it's almost an orgy.

Some people will have watched the "lotto explanation" and have been drawn in, some will belittle it, cynically calling him a fake for doing what his job description is, others will explain it away as just entertainment. The thing you must remember about the show: you might not have swallowed it, but you weren't the only target. Derren Brown managed to convince 24 everyday people, watching the lotto draw in that little room, that their mad little scribbles earlier in the day had managed to predict the correct 6 numbers. That's what he does, he fucks with you, mentally. Deception, that's the name of the game. Fool me once shame on you... fool me again, and again, and again... as long as it's entertaining! ;)



PS The fact that he got so many people talking, spitting bile, generating websites about the deceit, bringing down Twitter with floods of wank.... that was his Coup de grâce! He's already taken in more money now than actually winning the lottery. You think he's shit, but he has you, thinking? Think about it! Snowflakes!

Billy Connolly on Catholicism: "How, not why!"

Scottish comedian and actor, Billy Connolly, expresses his views on Catholicism, religion in general, Sarah Palin, and a little bit of voodoo right at the end :)

Religious nuts always go on about Atheists being unhappy and miserable and pessimistic, and yet to me, they always seem to be the funny ones :)

[via Derren Brown]

Even More LHC Problems At CERN

More problems for the Large Hadron Collider. Apparently this time it's the magnets; they are impotent and unable to get it up, up to speed that is! Last year it was bad solder joints that turned the LHC into nothing more than a $9billion firework display.

Since this thing is meant to show up magic shit involved in the creation of the universe, like the Higgs Boson particle stuff and possibly proof of higher dimensions, my question is this: When are religious nutjobs going to start saying that all these problems have been caused by the hand of god directly, to impede our discovery of his handy work. A kind of modern Tower Of Babel story. My answer to that will be, why is he messing about with electrical problems? Why doesn't he just do like he did in the past and slaughter everyone, perhaps he could send a plague of AIDS to all the staff at CERN.

The State Of Journalism In Ireland Today

John Waters: most reading won't know who he is, and there's no point linking to wiki page as he's the only person that's allowed edit it (He threatened legal action against wikipedia after reading a paragraph where someone wrote that he had smelly feet [citation needed]) So here's my Riemann's Cut entry for him instead:

• Nonsense Journalist (I'll get back to this later)
• Failed Song Writer - Wrote two songs for the Eurovision, the first was laughed at by Ireland and never got put through, the second was laughed at by Europe and came last. It was titled: "They Can't Stop The Spring [but please god, make this shite stop now]"
• Hater of blogs - Mind you I agree with him here. I almost hate blogs as much as I hate newspapers.
• Hater of the internet in general - there are unconfirmed accounts that John Waters was actually Boxxy on 4chan. Eitherway, it's a tarp!
• Set up his own website after the wikipedia incident. It has one hyperlink... it's broken.
• Amazingly anti-Atheist (deeply anti non-Christian actually)
• Seemingly homophobic (Ironically, the more famous John Waters is a flaming homosexual)
  
• Is a really shit ice-skater

So getting back to the first point, and the nub of this post. Mr. Waters recently published two full page articles in editions of the Mail On Sunday Newspaper (The Mail is of course totally better than blogs - you can't wipe your arse with a blog). The two can be seen in the above picture in the form of stations of the cross.

The first was titled "Sneer if you like: it just proves that you're afraid of thinking for yourself." It relates to the recent mass delusion over a tree stump with a rough humanoid form. Somehow, Mr. Waters argues that those who have broken away from the brainwashing of Christian dogma and superstition are somehow incapable of independent thought.... yes, I see, hmmm.... I actually don't know how to respond to that. Must look up the Bible and see what it says.

The second relates to his reviewing of the recent Sacha Baron Cohen film, "Bruno": "I'd like to report an incident of gay bullying. I was the victim..." Dun dun dunnn! Holy shit, I love when there's a twist at the end of headlines... I didn't see that one coming. The whole article plays out like a "I'm not homophobic but..." thing. He talks about the negative reaction he got to his views he expressed on Pat Kenny's Radio1 show about the film. Well I'm not surprised, the the views were quite homophoic. At one point on the show, Mr. Waters said that the only part of the film he enjoyed and found funny was the "Swingers Scene". To him, the rest of the film was vulgar and obscene. The only part of the film that related to heterosexuality was the swingers-scene, the rest dealt with homosexuality! In his defence he did speak about the great 1916 struggle where homosexuals fought and died for gay marriage in Ireland: "Why did we need this? Is this what the men of 1916 died for?"

Mr. waters has a big problem with personal criticism and for a guy who likes to dish out his shitty opinions it certainly smacks of hypocrisy. Look, I've nothing personally against the guy, he kinda looks a bit cuddly and I'm sure he wouldn't rape you without a drink on him first, but if you stir shit for a living expect to get covered in some spunken yourself. If you put your cock in a hornets nest, don't expect an orgasm. I am crying, writing this.

Condom-Mary Spotted By Holy Tree Stump

An eagle-eyed reader (me, no one else cares) has spotted the previously mentioned "condom-Mary" at the site of Holy Tree stump! The similarities are 100% and without doubt, even the figure of the infant Jesus is in the right position. This is very improbable and must indeed mean everything in the Bible is true, and possibly it heralds Armageddon. This is breaking news, keep refreshing, I'll let you know if I see the Apocalypse coming over the horizon.

Holy Mary, Mother Of Fucking Christ

Two big events in Irish current affairs: A tree stump that looks like an image of Holy Mary, and a rushed in new constituional amendment strengethening the laws around blasphemy. I love this country, seriously wonderful fucking place to be living in. Oh look, there's a leprechaun over there, to be sure to be sure!

I don't know if the condom-Mary is an old idea or not (the internet has a way of usurping my command of originality) but you gotta admit, it's fucking uncanny! I thought of it during the week and I was going to setup a photoshoot of a condom myself but I happened to find this nice pic already done (apparently that's just spittle in the tip). All I did was rotate the image, the rest is completely untouched. You can view the original here. Jesus is on the wrong side but he's definitely in the condom, sitting in the arms of the Madonna (join me in a chorus of "Like A Virgin").

This post, titled around the idea of copulating Jesus is of course totally un-blasphemous. A "fucking Jesus" is a core belief of Gnostic Christianity. So I'm not actually setting out to offend anyone (as stipulated in the new constitutional rules), rather I'm just commenting on Gnostic beliefs. Gnosticism totally rocks by the way, it's full of ritualistic anal sex!

Michael Jackson: 1958 - 2009

I followed the whole thing on Twitter, as it happened! Minutes after the first Tweets proclaiming his death were confirmed I created (possibly) his first MS Paint tribute! Some other choice images appeared too:

I found this picture of a woman displaying her shock at the news of Jacksons death, over here: [yfrog.com/i/b5b.jpg]

And pedobear grieves with the rest of us.....

The weird thing about following the story over on Twitter was how a fake story of his death was spread first (using one of those fake news site generators) and then shen he died the real news stories filtered through. The Raw Feed has a view on it.

Michael Jackson: troubled, disturbed, dead, misunderstood... but pretty awesome at the same time.

The Crucifixion of St. Peter

I told you I was going to do one of St. Peter some day but you didn't believe me. What would have happened if people didn't believe Jesus back in the day, mass sodomy no doubt.... but more importantly, what would happen is Charlie Manson started walking on water, or Tom Cruise turned water into wine... or Obama brought that fly back from the dead? Massive cultination if you ask me (<--- cultination, new word for you to use... defined as, indoctrination into a religion on a national scale)

Church of Death Tag Lines

For all those whiney little cunts who say "don't joke or say ill of the dead/dying"

"Laugh or cry, you're still going to die" or "Laughin' or cryin', nothin' gonna stop you from dyin'" or "No such thing as an unhappy corpse" or "Your mothers carcass ftw!"